oneiros

Snippet Cody is in my dream.  I realize he is waiting for me to write.  I begin to feel a sense of urgency to write him and connect.  Then I remember that I have written him and I have said good bye.  He is still waiting for me to connect.  I stop.  I put down all efforts to write and just feel the weight of loss. I wake up feeling a deep sadness and suddenly the longing for Cody seems exactly the same as my longing for house and for security.  The same obsessive need.  The same belief in something out there that will validate me and keep me safe.  I realize as I lay there, just waking, that all the love I have ever felt wasn't from other, it was in me. It has to be or I couldn't experience it.  All that I am longing for is mySelf and this longing is an effect of my belief that I am some how separate from my fulfillment. I don't fall back to sleep.  I stop reaching and feel.  The thoughts come and go.  I see how they are protections.  Trying to protect the ocean.  I see