rage

dreams
I am at Berties (but it doesn't actually look like her house).  There is a cabinet kept in a special room.  In it is a pale blue box.  I recognize it but can't remember where. I open the cabinet door.  As I touch the carved lid of the box and begin to open it, I remember.  It is the box my father gave me for my marriage blessing ceremony, it is filled with small gifts from everyone dear to me, each one a blessing for a happy union.  The instant I open the box and glimpse the contents a rush of rage emerges like out of Pandora's box.  Bertie is beside me with her hand on my shoulder.  I know I wasn't supposed to open the box.  The rage consumes me like a demon until I begin to yell like an enraged animal.  Bertie stares at me for a while, calmly staring thru me to the truth.  While she does this I feel perhaps it can be controlled, but then she yells...a feeble yell beside the demon of rage, perhaps to frighten the demon back into the box...and then I know that the demon is stronger than her and the rage is taking me over.

I wake up terrified.

Next dream:
I am in my room.  I have left Shane it is one room, cinderblock in a poor neighborhood.  There is no bed just a frame of rough logs.  There is nothing really, no carpet, nothing comfortable.  I worry for the boys.  They will not like it here.  I feel deeply exhausted over trying to make do.

Next dream:
I am in my bedroom and Don shows up at the house.  He is with my mom.  I see him in the hallway.  I am angry and not hiding it.  I make no mistake in conveying my disgust for him and my desire that he leave, NOW!
He looks like a constantly shifting image of my children, Shane, my ex, my father, and stepfathers.

I wake feeling so sad and so confused

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