rainbow baby
I have been having lots of dreams with disconnected imagery
In this one Shane/not Shane was cheating on me. It had become so ordinary that I didn't notice. My house was full of extra children making messes, leaving food and bedding and crumbs everywhere, all of them boys. The house was dark and under cared for. There were puppies in the house too, lots of tiny puppies and I remember thinking, "Why didn't Shane have this dog neutered? My mom will think it is totally irresponsible to bring so many unwanted dogs into the world". Next I am standing in a room/not room, my boys are nearby playing. I am taking off the head of this human size knitted stuffed doll. It is beautiful and knitted out of undyed wools of various colors. I am pulling out the strings that sewed the head to the body, suddenly I realize that I am not okay with my life. I turn to Shane/not-Shane who looks trim and gorgeous in tight geometric patterned pants and a button down fitted shirt, and say I am not okay with you visiting with another woman all the time. I suddenly feel enraged about this and I cuss loudly, aware of my children and wishing I could contain my emotions for their benefit...too late. I take the woman and her daughter, who are now in my house and I guess always have been but I never noticed them before, to the door. The woman tells her daughter to be careful of the monsters and point toward the puppies. With growing disgust I tell her those are just puppies and pick her up by the scruff of her jacket to throw her out the door that looks like a wall but is really a door. There are a bunch of people staring angrily inside but when I open the door they fall down like inanimate props. The woman leaves. I see Shane leaving too. He enters another house full of faceless people painted in the colors of a Tony Ortega painting. He alone appears real but as he enters the room faces emerge and I realize how much more he fits into this other woman's Latin family, who except his loudness and weight without question. Then I am witnessing everything from above thinking about the rainbow baby (?) and watching as this baby in a cradle sheds bark brown- blanket like coverings, one by one, like the passage of time. I wake up, still watching, waiting to see her face.
In this one Shane/not Shane was cheating on me. It had become so ordinary that I didn't notice. My house was full of extra children making messes, leaving food and bedding and crumbs everywhere, all of them boys. The house was dark and under cared for. There were puppies in the house too, lots of tiny puppies and I remember thinking, "Why didn't Shane have this dog neutered? My mom will think it is totally irresponsible to bring so many unwanted dogs into the world". Next I am standing in a room/not room, my boys are nearby playing. I am taking off the head of this human size knitted stuffed doll. It is beautiful and knitted out of undyed wools of various colors. I am pulling out the strings that sewed the head to the body, suddenly I realize that I am not okay with my life. I turn to Shane/not-Shane who looks trim and gorgeous in tight geometric patterned pants and a button down fitted shirt, and say I am not okay with you visiting with another woman all the time. I suddenly feel enraged about this and I cuss loudly, aware of my children and wishing I could contain my emotions for their benefit...too late. I take the woman and her daughter, who are now in my house and I guess always have been but I never noticed them before, to the door. The woman tells her daughter to be careful of the monsters and point toward the puppies. With growing disgust I tell her those are just puppies and pick her up by the scruff of her jacket to throw her out the door that looks like a wall but is really a door. There are a bunch of people staring angrily inside but when I open the door they fall down like inanimate props. The woman leaves. I see Shane leaving too. He enters another house full of faceless people painted in the colors of a Tony Ortega painting. He alone appears real but as he enters the room faces emerge and I realize how much more he fits into this other woman's Latin family, who except his loudness and weight without question. Then I am witnessing everything from above thinking about the rainbow baby (?) and watching as this baby in a cradle sheds bark brown- blanket like coverings, one by one, like the passage of time. I wake up, still watching, waiting to see her face.
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