breathing in the fear

I am following behind Cody up a steep hill, his friend walks beside me and says,"You are so calm for being an alien".  I respond, "I know, but few people know what I can do".  I decide to open a door in a stone wall on my left.  In opens into a room.  I know where I am.  I am at another entrance to the caves that lead into the unconscious and the deepest fears (I dream of these caves often and they are always filled with fear demons).  I step inside and Cody is there with his friend.  Owen and Bodhi are there.  In fact many people are there but I know they are just the gossamer projections I have of them, the dual images.  I step outside for a moment and when I open the door again the fear demons begin coming out.  This time they look like large floating creatures.  Their form is defined only by a black cloak that covers them entirely, only a small white mouth that looks more like a small grate, disrupts the blackness.  I see them and I inhale deeply, breathing them all in.  I know this is what I can do as an alien.  I step back into the room where Cody waits for me.  I exhale deeply and the fears disperse into the unconscious again.  I look at Cody and say, "I have to breathe them in now. It's time. I have to transform them."  I inhale deeply and fears flow into my lungs from the depths of the caves that plunge into the Earth, like small pellets.  As I do, they begin to feel more solid, one catches in my throat and I feel fear grip my heart.   I know that in order to transform them, they must be met with an open heart.  I realize suddenly that I am going to wake up and take the fears with me.  Out of the rooms.  Out of the depths.  I realize I need a key to hold on to, so I can come back to this room.  Bodhi steps forward and offers me several tokens and I know they are not what I need.  I feel fear rising.  I look at Cody.  His friend steps forward and shows me a slip of paper with a single word written in pencil.  At first I think it reads, "cody" but then I see the "d" is gone.  It says "coy".  I look one more time perplexed and then I am awake, gripped by fear.  Certain that I have brought the fears to the surface.  It is time to transform them.


When I wake, days pass...a man I loved for more than half my life denies me, my face becomes a mass of herpes spreading across my cheeks and chin.  my son is bitten by a rattlesnake and spends four days in intensive care.  the fears.  i strain my heart open and then I relax.  pain is the byproduct of my struggle, my resistance.  I cry.  Grief.  I cry and cry and cry.  


"coy"- 
a: coy and quiet derive from Latin quietus, "at rest, in repose," with coy coming from the Old French form coi (earlier quei), and quiet coming straight from Latin; the original sense of coy was "quiet, still."
b: shrinking from contact or familiarity, showing reluctance to commit, evasive, flirtatious, a pretense at innocence.
I think I have been manifesting the latter definitions of coy and my answer lies in the first definition.  The way back is through quiet and still.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dreaming I am in a traveling troupe of some sort.  There are hundreds of beautiful young people (I too am much younger and more buxom and gorgeous than this body recalls).  We are all gathering to prepare for our performances.  It seems that we are also superheroes of some sort when we travel.  We gather in a large auditorium.  I shirk this handsome, needy young man who has literally been following me two inches or less from the back.  I holler enthusiastically to the crowd and skip to my seat in the front, directly before a mirror.  The group begins singing.  This is my second year with the troupe but I don't know the songs.  I say to myself I don't learn this way (by ear) I need to see the song.  The song leader hears me and hands me a typed song sheet.  The song sounds like an east Indian chant but it goes "Ta, ra, re, ditty ditty, Ta ra ram ditty ditty ", etc.  I sing, chant and wake up. The interesting part of this drea...
Read more

polarity

Image
My body is sitting on a grassy yard staring ahead at a stormy sky above the tree line. I am watching just beyond my body. There is a road on either side of me. On my left there is a vehicle and some one like Dave opens the door and shadows, sorrows and a sort of hopelessness pours out. There is a sense that I am looking at the stark underbelly of this life, the wars and killings, the lies and greed, the selfishness and fear, the destruction. The shadow pours out and the field fills with hopelessnes in spite of the drivers assurances that we need a revolution, that we need to LOOK at these things and SEE them in order to change them. My body remains sitting there, eyes on the approaching storm. Then Aunt Bertie appears on my right, she quietly smiles and says, "I choose to focus on something else", the door of a white mini van slides open and light pours out, beautiful brilliant connecting light and HOPE fills the space between the darkness until all is connected and in...
Read more
Image
Who is the Self who perceives the illusion? First Dream Our home is Aunt Bertie's house but the upper story is collapsing, the foundation is made of rotting wood and it is in danger of falling in at any time. It is most likely to collapse where my old room used to be. Second Dream Angelina (Jolie) has a stalker, who is a malevolent energy housed in a human form. I have to cast it out through fire and call on the Christ to keep it out. Only the small children know what's real. I still feel fear. Third Dream I am faced with a horrible scenario, in which an alien race has taken over human beings. They seem to take them over harmlessly but totally alter their mental makeup to one of fear and ugliness. This is evident in their faces which are no longer open and inquisitive. I some how link up with a group of people who know how to escape the hole dilemma. Miguel is driving a van. I try to call Shane but realize my cell phone can be tracked and I throw it out the back. Bod...
Read more