oneiros

I am at an artists retreat.  There are a whole bunch of men at the front collecting their belongings.  They all are caught up in being sterotypical males, talking about women as objects and proudly acting void of feeling.  I gather my things and leave.  I am here with my mom and several of her old friends before she became a dog woman.  There are others here too.  We step toward the back and one woman in our party, older and full of vivacious life talks to us over the railing.  She is so full of joy.  I look to mom silently asking about her.  She says "Cancer".  I tell the woman that I want to give her a message from myself ten years in the future (where I currently am asleep in my bed).  I say, "You mattered to me.  You made me better."  She smiles at me, a little quizzically, and invites us to the back of the retreat where there is beauty and an expectation of quiet.

I’m in a house looking out a glass window or am I in the front yard looking at locate? I think it’s  in the yard. There is a possum, bloated and frozen, in mid run beside a flowering bush that has lost all its bloom and foliage. Is the possum frozen in fear? Or is it dead?  Or stuffed? Beside the possum is a gazelle in mid run equally frozen. And to the side of the gazelle,  lying on its belly with a paw outstretched in front of the low gate barring the exit, there is a mountain lion or puma or some large cat of similar coloring. Equally frozen. I wonder, “Are they dead?” and then I think what could kill a possum, a gazelle  and a lion?  The lion  begins to move slowly. As it does I see children crouched in hiding on the other side of the lion all within the gate. I see their fear and I want to help them. Their eyes are wide and they look desperate. I am in the house now looking out of them. Did I move? Was it always in the house? I don’t know but I run out...

I am in my childhood home, in mom’s room. C is there and no one else. I walk into the bedroom, where  I experienced so much abuse at the hands of my stepfather.. C. is newly showered. He looks at me and there is no protection in his eyes, no hardness.  He opens his arms and I step into his  embrace. There is forgiveness and nothing to forgive. As we hug, I feel deepening layers of healing and reparation. The past is the past. I lean into the strength of his arms and chest, breathing in the scent of him. Home. I am home.. I realize that he was right when he said, “Some connections maybe too big to be realized on this plane.” We would complicate it in the waking world with our desires and insecurities but here it’s pure and clear and beautiful.  I didn’t fail in my love for him. I couldn’t. It’s just not mine to know the trajectory of growth our connection inspired in him. I let go. The dream fades. I wake.

I am in a room with several other people. It’s an art workshop I think. There is a large mirror with an ornate frame that reflects  your future when you look into it. There is a woman, dark haired, tall, strong of spirit and a bit older than me, who is running the workshop and inviting people to look in the mirror. Three people do so before it is my turn, A young man with short hair and a traditional upbringing, sees himself as a painter. His whole body sheds the weight of trying to be something he is not. He is a painter and now he can be what he is. Next a beautiful, strong woman with ebony skin and penetrating eyes steps forward, she sees herself holding an ancient and elaborate map rolled into a scroll across her shoulder. In the reflection she wears a velvety robe and an academic cap. The dark haired woman beside her announces, “ You will be a world scholar,” and the young woman’s back straightens with confidence, casting off the white prejudice that tried to make her dreams s...

I am in a space ship.  I have been traveling for a long time.  There are three of us on the journey.  The inside of the ship is a bit like a house only the gravity control has gone down and so we are floating.  I go to sleep a bit worried that we may be in this condition for the duration of our lives.  The ship is being piloted by artificial intelligence I guess.  I'm aware that no human is captaining but I totally trust the navigation process.  I awaken and pull the curtains back to see that I am approaching the surface of a planet just before dawn.  It's beautiful.  We are arriving above a shallow ocean.  I see large satellite towers with white disks angled toward the sky.  Amidst the ocean waves there are beautiful creatures diving in and out of the surf.  At first they look to be whales, but as I approach I realize that they are fully sentient beings temporarily adapted to water movement.  They are about the same he...

I am in Alaska I think.  There are whales.  Whales who sometimes have to embody as humans.  I am at a station of sorts and there is a deep underground tunnel (not so much a tunnel as it goes nearly straight down via a spiral stair case).  This tunnel opens onto a view of the moon that is unparalleled from what I am told.  I begin the descent.  One of the docents tells me to turn right when the time comes otherwise you come up at an easier vantage but not nearly as spectacular.  I descend.  Soon I am just gliding down the central pole that holds the spiral stairs in place.  There are sights along the way.  Areas for kids to stop and play.  I realize that few people come this far.  I keep going and become a bit frightened by the notion that I could easily be buried alive deep beneath the earth.  Than the thought occurs to me that sometimes in order to see the moon fully you have to enter deep, deep into the earth.

I am carrying this man over my shoulder.  He reminds me of Bradley Cooper and Maverick, I lay him down on the bed.  (Back story: I like this man.  He has been very flirtatious with me and he interests me).  As I lay him down his face grimaces and I can see he is in pain.  I ask what's wrong and he says I hurt him here (pointing to his shoulder) when I touched him.  He is very matter of fact and begins to writhe around bones cracking, joints dislocating and relocating.  I realize he has some condition, a very painful condition and it is easy to hurt him.  I think of David and his pain and wounds and history.  I think of me.  I tell the man that I might not be a good fit for him because I grew up with lots of brothers and he may need someone to keep him safe (live in a bubble) and I'm more likely to say, "Stand up and pull your shit together man".  He says, "That is just the kind of person I need.  That is why I like you". ...

This was a four tiered dream: Tier one: I am trapped in a cabin with all the people I love and the door is blocked by an enormous grizzly bear wearing a white mask.  I am utterly terrified to the point of inactivity.  A voice enters the dream and says, "You are dreaming. You have a choice. You can step outside and face the fear." I am too frightened and I can't. Dream fades into... Tier two: I am being hunted down, there are people trying to kill me.  I am terrified beyond reason. A voice enters the dream and says, "You are dreaming. You have a choice. You can step outside and face the fear." I am too frightened and I can't.  Dream fades into... Tier three: There are aliens they are here to harm us or kill us or do some sort of bodily damage.  My heart is breaking.  I am so frightened and scared.  A voice enters the dream and says, "You are dreaming. You have a choice. You can step outside and face the fear." I am too frightened and ...

I am at this incredible ashram in the mountains.  It is sunny and warm with light streaming in and people busily and happily moving from place to place.  I am walking on a dirt path that winds its way up the mountain.  Everything here is aesthetically lovely.  To my left there is a great central meeting place where food is prepared and shared.  There are communal living quarters for the families who stay and work all the time.  There are photos of mothers nursing and multigenerational images of families.  There is none of the spiritual pretense often oozing out of ashrams, everyone just is...in a very open and complete and uninhibited way.  I continue walking up the path and see small single room dwellings that are simply stunning, with beautiful tilings, large windows opening onto breathtaking vistas, pouring in sunshine and life.  I pass one room that is very small, with no running water, a small bed, a simple porcelain sink, carried wat...

My teacher is seated at a round table in a kitchen that seems enclosed but really extends into the world beyond where there are trees and also a small dirt path Winding to the left with a young girl walking on it.  I am on the phone with my mom.  I seem to be so preoccupied with a very superficial conversation that I am ignoring my teacher's presence.  I am almost "acting" the part of a conversation, laughing loudly and appearing very interested in the nonsense I am talking about.  When I hang up the phone I apologize for not noticing that she was waiting for me.  The apology is too profuse, almost put on and overdone. My teacher says nothing but begins opening a white bag in which are small objects wrapped in white tissue.  I am so preoccupied with my apology (which even to me sounds disingenuous) that I never see any of these gifts unwrapped.  My teacher doesn't leave.  She sits at the table.  She isn't impatient nor irritated but I think ...

My teacher came into my dream.  I don't remember seeing her..perhaps I just spoke to her. She asked, "Does Bodhi fish?"  I said , "yes". "Does Bodhi like fish?" I said, "yes". I asked, "What do you have in your mind?" And my teacher began audibly breathing a slow rhythmic breath.  In and out.  Permeating the dream until I awoke.

Snippet Cody is in my dream.  I realize he is waiting for me to write.  I begin to feel a sense of urgency to write him and connect.  Then I remember that I have written him and I have said good bye.  He is still waiting for me to connect.  I stop.  I put down all efforts to write and just feel the weight of loss. I wake up feeling a deep sadness and suddenly the longing for Cody seems exactly the same as my longing for house and for security.  The same obsessive need.  The same belief in something out there that will validate me and keep me safe.  I realize as I lay there, just waking, that all the love I have ever felt wasn't from other, it was in me. It has to be or I couldn't experience it.  All that I am longing for is mySelf and this longing is an effect of my belief that I am some how separate from my fulfillment. I don't fall back to sleep.  I stop reaching and feel.  The thoughts come and go.  I see how they a...

I am with Cody we are in a house, talking.  I tell him that I can't be just friends and that I don't want him to keep showing up in my dreams/ house and messing with my emotions.  I look up and we kiss, passionately and I sink into loving him.  I feel such a deep peace. Then things shift and Cody becomes more possessive and I find that I want him in my life forever but I still need lots of room to breathe and be free.  The dream shifts and there is still Cody but he is speaking to me with Dan's voice...the voice of someone who will love me no matter what and who gets me.  He is speaking to me at a very deep level of my consciousness.  (It was powerful but I wasn't able to recall much of it upon waking.)  Next, he says.  "Now it is time to listen".  Cody's face fades away and I wake up.

I am at one of Cody's outdoor survival classes.  Everyone is in hushed silence and awe, following him. It seems more like a meditation retreat than a survival course.  He lays out a beautiful violet meditation cushion and sets up an alter.  He holds up a brass elephant (perhaps Ganesh but not in any of his classic poses) and says "Today we will practice focusing on a sacred object".  He has several clear quartz crystals also set in front of him.  Throughout this dream I am never in front of him.  I am always behind him or to his right, never his left.  He is very indifferent to me and cool.  While everyone is meditating with their eyes tightly closed, I get up and walk around.  I lay a small grouping of beautiful leaves on the left side of his alter, in warm tones and oranges and yellows fading to greens, while he stoically meditates.  I realize that I am supposed to be quietly sitting down but I am not, I wonder if he will notice. ...

I am following behind Cody up a steep hill, his friend walks beside me and says,"You are so calm for being an alien".  I respond, "I know, but few people know what I can do".  I decide to open a door in a stone wall on my left.  In opens into a room.  I know where I am.  I am at another entrance to the caves that lead into the unconscious and the deepest fears (I dream of these caves often and they are always filled with fear demons).  I step inside and Cody is there with his friend.  Owen and Bodhi are there.  In fact many people are there but I know they are just the gossamer projections I have of them, the dual images.  I step outside for a moment and when I open the door again the fear demons begin coming out.  This time they look like large floating creatures.  Their form is defined only by a black cloak that covers them entirely, only a small white mouth that looks more like a small grate, disrupts the blackness.  I se...

After seeing my step father and thinking of my childhood with anger and sadness.  I begin walking into a very large tunnel, leading to a cave.  There are several other people walking into the cave. It is reminiscent of a pilgrimage.  The cave floor is littered with religious artifacts and bones.  Owen picks a number of them up to look at them (many are of Mary, Joseph and Jesus) and we place them reverently on a low table, and beneath the feet of the travelers---offerings from those who have gone before.  Shane steps close to an embankment with a sharp drop off where the roots of a tree are heavily exposed.  As he steps on the roots I think perhaps it is a bit cavalier and dangerous.  Then I think it is interesting that the roots are exposed.  I help him off the roots and notice  two enormous statues linked as one at the back of the cave.  One is a giant black panther, the other a shape shifting dragon/panther/bird.  Both have the s...

I am in some sort of simulation environment.  There are others here.  There is a room called the thinking room.  Each room is meant to simulate or clarify a part of life.  I have avoided the thinking room through the whole dream.  I decide to go within.  As soon as I step inside all these men begin rushing me, yelling, I turn to leave.  I think the door is locked but it opens easily.  I step outside and two children rush out.  One young black boy jumps into my arms.  Another older black boy rushes to my side.  A large man tells me to come inside.  I know that once in, it is like a maze.  I ask the older boy to my right if he knows the way out and he becomes suddenly quite clear, responding, "Yes!".  I return inside.  This time no one yells at me, but I begin following the man instead of the boy.  The boy lags somewhat behind me, hesitating.  He seems to want to go in a different direction but I am not t...

My dreams have been a labyrinth of seemingly nonsensical imagery: Shane sucking a pacifier, Jim Carrey as a narcissistic lover, work, Chogyam Trungpa, Bodhi in a hurry, pain, nature, longing, attachment. I could relay a dream in full but at the moment they seem anything but elucidating.  I imagine it is time for me to begin listening again and writing them down, otherwise the intellect decides to spend my slumbering eight hours in perpetual download, without a hint of luminosity.

dreaming I am having eye pain in my right eye.  I go to the doctor (who isn't an eye doctor but is able to do an eye scan).  The doctor tells me that my "perennial cortex" is degenerating which translates into the loss of color vision.  I see my eye in detail, beautiful on the surface, with pupil, iris muscles and a surrounding band of neurons and fibers at the very edge that looks like a colorful sea creature but under the beauty is a dying nerve. I wake up disturbed.

I am trying to get two rattle snakes into a large cardboard box (I don't remember seeing the snakes) and moved somewhere safe where no one will get hurt.  I am upset that the box has a hole opening on two opposite sides where the snakes could escape.  I keep trying to block off the holes because I don't want the snakes getting out.  When I stand up I become terrified.  I realize that I didn't actually put the snakes in a box at all, but in my belly.  The two holes are the openings for intake and elimination.  I am utterly horrified that I have two dangerous rattlesnakes in my belly.  I can't walk fast because the swaying of my hips might upset them and cause them to bite me internally.  I don't know how to get them out of my belly.  In the box I could have shaken them out but in my belly they might bite me and kill me from within.  So I walk, barely breathing, barely moving with two venomous, dangerous snakes in my belly, wanting despera...